Tiki Bar Reviews

Completely biased, politically-incorrect, and opinionated ratings of Tiki Bars around the world. 

At this point in "Scotty's" life he has achieved professional status when it comes to judging Tiki Bars.  He is on a mission to find the  best Tiki Bars around the world.

The following ratings are based solely on Scotty's opinion, so opposing opinions will most likely be ignored!  :-)

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LOCATION
Proximity to beach and sand
Beautiful views

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SERVICE
How much the bartenders pay attention to Scotty and spoil him

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PERFECT SCORE = 20

BEER-O-METER
How COLD is the Beer?
How CHEAP is the Beer?
Do they serve Scotty's Favorite Beers?

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RUMBABBAS
Unique, interesting and tasty concoctions

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BIZARRENESS
Markedly unusual in appearance, style or general character  
Often involving incongruous or unexpected elements
Outrageously or whimsically strange
Ya know it when ya see it!

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Continuing my quest for the "Perfect Tiki Bar" in Stuart, Florida...
2014

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Spotos Water Bar (Downstairs) 
SCORE  11 
Stuart, Florida
Spring & Fall 2014

LOCATION
This place is on the water overlooking St. Lucie River. It is a very nice view with occasional live music. It is also easy walking distance from Sunset Bay Marina and historic downtown Stuart.

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SERVICE
Sometimes they pamper me as I want to be accustomed… and other times they blink and forget me all together. The good overcomes the not-so-good so I will give them a low 3.

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BEER-O-METER
From 3:30 to 6:30 they serve Ice Cold Miller Lites for 2 bucks. This is happy hour and they have some good (cheap) appetizers and sushi as well. They were dinged one beer rating because Miller Lites are $4 at other times.

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RUMBABBAS
I rated this a 2, but for the life of me I do not remember what the house specialty drink is. Obviously, it must have been good.

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BIZARRENESS

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Sailors Return
SCORE 9 
Stuart, Florida
Reviewed Summer 2014

LOCATION
No sand here but the bar and restaurant overlook the Sunset Bay Marina with truly great sunsets. During season they have live music every night. Couple that with excellent food and this is good place to visit.

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SERVICE
Kerry the bartender is a "four" in her service and a"ten" otherwise.  Did I mention she's "Hot"? She pampers me, and everyone else for that matter. All the customers seem to love her.  I give an overall 3 as all service is good but not as good as Kerry. Did I mention she is cute?

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BEER-O-METER
Ice Cold 16 ounce Miller Lite for $2 all day everyday until further notice. How can I give this anything but a 4?!?!

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RUMBABBAS

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BIZARRENESS

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It's Blurry cuz that's how it looks after leaving Happy Hour!

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The Stuart Boathouse
SCORE  5
Stuart, Florida
Reviewed Fall 2014

LOCATION
This bar also overlooks the St Lucie River. However, the bar is set back from the water, so not as nice of a location as Spotos Water Bar, even with the equal location scores.

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SERVICE
Just OK service but considering it has only been opened 3 weeks it was pretty good actually. A low 2.

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BEER-O-METER
They have Cold Miller Lite for $3.00 at happy hour and $3.50 all other times.  A little pricey for happy hour in Stuart, Florida, USA.

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RUMBABBAS
No house drinks. Bar named Sugarcane Mojitos Bar and they only have three basic Mojitos. What is up with that???    

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BIZARRENESS
How do you create a unique culture in 3 weeks of operation?

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GuanaBanas
SCORE  10
Jupiter, Florida
Reviewed Summer 2014

LOCATION
More jungle than on the water. Jungle in Jupiter???  Normally not what you think about when you think of Jupiter FL.
They make smoked wings with a delicious rub served with a sweet spicy sauce. The wings are flavorful and are fall off the bone "Killer Wings"!!! These are a must have and improved the location rating.  Wings alone are worth the visit.

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SERVICE
Look up Wes the Bartender. He is great. He's very personable and gives great service. It is not often I give a male Server/Bartender a 3 or above. Ok, let's just say it...I am partial to the opposite sex, preferably cute and sexy!   Some may say "Chauvinistic Pig" but I say a person of refined taste!

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BEER-O-METER
They have Miller Lite and it is cold. Hence, the reason for a solid 2. But with the beer costing 4 big ones I can not go above a 2.    

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RUMBABBAS
No formal house drink. They do make an Organic Margarita. Different from the Traditional Margarita. Paula loved it and insisted I give this a 2 Rumbabba Rating.

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BIZARRENESS
A little different.

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The Square Grouper
SCORE  10 
Jupiter, Florida
Reviewed Summer 2014

LOCATION
This place is very large and located on the water, but more like a salt water river than an ocean. It is quaint and has a cool vibe.  Jimmy Buffet and Alex Jackson filmed their music video "It's 5 O'clock Somewhere" here. The “Buffet Factor” bumps this up to a 3 rating. The name has a cool factor as well being named after the legendary name for drug packages floating off the coast of Florida.

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SERVICE
Vicky had her positive moments, but the rating says it all.

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BEER-O-METER
The beer was cold and they did have Miller Lite.  However, once again the $4 price lowers the score.

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RUMBABBAS
We were told by Vickie that they did not have a house specialty drink. But upon perusing the menu we noticed they do have signature drinks!?!? Paula immediately ordered the Captain Cal's Bite followed by the Tickle. They both had a 2 ounce pour. Paula liked them, but after two she can’t remember exactly why she liked them!

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BIZARRENESS
A little something bizarre here. This place is said to have been around in the 1800's. I could not find anyone in the bar to have been around back then to verify, even though a few characters looked like they could have been.

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