Tiki Bar Reviews
Completely biased, politically-incorrect, and opinionated ratings of Tiki Bars around the world.
At this point in "Scotty's" life he has achieved professional status when it comes to judging Tiki Bars. He is on a mission to find the best Tiki Bars around the world.
The following ratings are based solely on Scotty's opinion, so opposing opinions will most likely be ignored! :-)
Completely biased, politically-incorrect, and opinionated ratings of Tiki Bars around the world.
At this point in "Scotty's" life he has achieved professional status when it comes to judging Tiki Bars. He is on a mission to find the best Tiki Bars around the world.
The following ratings are based solely on Scotty's opinion, so opposing opinions will most likely be ignored! :-)
LOCATION
Proximity to beach and sand Beautiful views 
SERVICE
How much the bartenders pay attention to Scotty and spoil him PERFECT SCORE = 20 |
BEER-O-METER
How COLD is the Beer? How CHEAP is the Beer? Do they serve Scotty's Favorite Beers? 
RUMBABBAS
Unique, interesting and tasty concoctions 
BIZARRENESS
Markedly unusual in appearance, style or general character Often involving incongruous or unexpected elements Outrageously or whimsically strange Ya know it when ya see it! |
Continuing my quest for the "Perfect Tiki Bar" in Abaco, Bahamas...
Cruising Season 2014
Cruising Season 2014
Captain Jacks
SCORE 5
Hope Town, Elbow Cay
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed February 2014
LOCATION
Captain Jacks is located in Hope Town, Elbow Cay. The locals eat at this place. Captain Jacks overlooks the harbor and the deck is actually on the water. However, the bar is inside so I do not consider this to be an authentic Tiki Bar. I'm reviewing it because I got stuck here waiting for the fuel dock employees to come back from their hour plus lunch. Since it's on the water in the quaint location of Hope Town, it earns to palm trees. 
SERVICE
I give the service a fair rating, but she was a hot waitress, I mean personable…raised the rating to 2. 
BEER-O-METER
$6.50 for a local beer. No Miller Lite. Beer was cold, a save at the end. 
RUMBABBAS
Nothing fancy here. 
BIZARRENESS
Plain. |
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Tipsy Seagull
SCORE 7
Treasure Cay Harbor
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed February 2014
LOCATION
This Tiki Bar is located in Treasure Cay Harbor. This is a very large Tiki Bar that overlooks the marina, harbor, and swimming pool. This is a nice location but pales in comparison to other island Tiki Bar views. What a great name for a Tiki Bar AND the T- Shirts are cool. Unfortunately, I left the place feeling underwhelmed. Perhaps it was the time of day and season??? 
SERVICE
I was the only person in the place and had slow unattentive service. They definitely did not spoil me. Add to that no hot bartender. Ok, ok, call me shallow :) Sum it all up and I give it a generous one hula girl rating. 
BEER-O-METER
No Miller Lite - Strike one Local beer is $6 - Strike two Beer was cold - A save for a one beer rating 
RUMBABBAS
They have a special house drink, a Rum concoction called the "Goombay Smash". Lots of rum with some fruitiness added. Very tasty and potent. With a name like "Goombay Smash" I give this a 3 Rumbabbas Rating. 
BIZARRENESS
Nothing unusual here. |
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Coco's
SCORE 13
Treasure Cay Harbor
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed February 2014
LOCATION
This Tiki Bar is located on one of the Caribbean's top ten rated beaches and is located on Treasure Cay. This is a pretty white sandy beach with clear blue water on a Top Ten ranked beach…need I say more?!?! 
SERVICE
My service started off a little slow (island time) but then Miranda kicked into gear and spoiled me like I am accustomed. 
BEER-O-METER
No Miller Lite - Strike One $6 local beers - Strike Two 1800 behind the bar! A double. I give I two beer rating for this! 
RUMBABBAS
Cocos house drink is TingV. 5 different rums including Bicardi 151. Oh yea! Smoking is not allowed within 10 feet of the bar! (Can we say "flammable drinks".) 5 Rums and yet I can only give it a max rating of 4 Rumbabbas…should be a FIVE! 
BIZARRENESS
Nothing unusual here. |
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Conchy Joe's
SCORE 12
Marsh Harbour
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed March 2014
LOCATION
Conchy Joes is located in Marsh Harbor right ON the water...Literally the bar itself sits over the water and you can see the water between the floor boards. You can't get much closer than that! The bar overlooks the harbor and beautiful Bahama sunsets, but it's not on a beach so no "sand between your toes." Nice location, but not on a beach nonetheless. Therefore, a one-palm-tree-deduction. 
SERVICE
Service is somewhat spotty...sometimes good and sometimes not! 
BEER-O-METER
Beer is cold but NO Miller Lite! 
RUMBABBAS
Wednesdays are “Shot Night”!!! There is an old wooden ship's wheel that is spun to see if either the starboard or port side of the bar buys the other side of the bar dollar shots. Immediately, I knew I was over my head so I called in a professional all the way from Chicago, Frank Kulze, to help me take on the Wednesday challenge. Although their “Black Shot” concoction was flavorful Frank chose to go down the Tequila path. Sad but true. Frank sat at the starboard bow of the bar and I sat at the port bow side of the bar. The challenge was on and shortly got out of hand. Frank lost the first 6 spins of the wheel. The Sands Light and shots began to take its toll. How many spins did we go??? "Too many" would be the correct answer. Frank and I woke up the next morning proud of ourselves for completing the challenge and coming back to the boat early for a good night's sleep...albeit dazed---or so we thought. The next day I asked Frank if he would like to go to another Tiki Bar (name withheld to protect the guilty...US!!!) He was onboard. We walked into the bar and commented it was a cool place. The bartender came over to our table and said "Welcome back!" He then said we looked in better shape than the night before. Frank and I looked at each other? WTF? We were here? Then the bartender said I was “The Man” and wanted to shake my hand as it was an honor!?!? We did not ask. We decided it was probably best we did not know what that was all about. So, it appears we did not have an early evening after all. I have not been back to “Shot Night” since. Interesting Shots offered. Very unique concept. Shot Night = Highest Rumbabba score (Spin the wheel at your own risk.) 
BIZARRENESS
Not a lot of bizarreness, but it gets one 'crazy fish' for the outrageous "Shot Night". |
Frank at the Helm on Shot Night
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Cracker P's
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LOCATION
Cracker P’s is located on Lubbers Quarters Cay. The property is on a beach but the bar sits back with a good view. They have a special celebration for the full moon as it rises on the horizon. Unfortunately I did not get to participate...Next time. By the way, the gilled conch in coconut juice was outstanding! Overall it gets "two palm trees" for location. 
SERVICE
The bartender Brenden from Toronto took good care of me and I give a 3 for his good service. No Wifi, probably a plus if you feel like hiding from the electronic world. Off the grid! 
BEER-O-METER
Beer was cold but not cheap and NO Miller Lite. 
RUMBABBAS
They have a special drink called “Shotgun” named in honor of Cracker and his legend (see below). It was quite good and tasty. A solid "three rumbabba" rating from me! 
BIZARRENESS
The place itself has no bizarreness, but the story behind the place earns it a "two crazy fish" rating. This establishment was named after a local character hiding from the law, known as "Cracker." As the story goes (my abridged version) Cracker was a veteran of the Spanish American War and was from Georgia, USA. As legend has it, the family duck was terrorizing the neighborhood and the Sheriff came out to put a stop to it. During a heated discussion over the family duck, Cracker shot and killed the sheriff. Consequently, Cracker had to flee from the law and left the country on a boat. He ultimately ended up on Lubbers Quarters which was a great place to hide as it was in the middle of nowhere. He spent the rest of his life right on Lubbers Quarters Cay. Cracker was an eccentric loner and the natives often spotted him roaming naked around the island!!! For this illustrious story and legend, Cracker P's earns its rating. |
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Lubbers Landing
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LOCATION
On Lubbers Quarter Cay next to Crackers P’s. Overlooks the water if you sit on the deck but no view at the bar. In my opinion it is overshadowed by the famous Cracker P’s next door. 
SERVICE
The rating says it all. 
BEER-O-METER
Cold Sands Light but no Miller Lite. 
RUMBABBAS
Their special drink is the Margarita. Really???? Do they not know the Bahamas is the land of rum? I could not bring myself to have a Margarita. However, since they do have a house special I gave them a 1 Rumbabba rating 
BIZARRENESS
Nothing unusual here. |
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Nippers
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LOCATION
Nippers is located high on Guana Cay overlooking the Atlantic Ocean and a very pretty beach. Even though Nippers is not on the sand this is a great location for a Tiki Bar. Also it is equipped with a pool. This place is world famous and a must see. 
SERVICE
Service was sketchy to say the least. Some good and some not so good. Josie the bartender was very cute and did a nice job. Did I mention she was also cute? 
BEER-O-METER
They serve cold Miller Lite, but at a $6 premium. Really??? One of the most expensive Miller's in the Abacos. Why did I give this a two beer rating? I think Josie had some influence. 
RUMBABBAS
The house drink is the Nipper Juice. This house drink has 4 rums in it with a little juice. This drink should have a skull and cross bones label on it. There are many many island stories and legends about what has happened to people who had too many Nippers. No, none of the stories are about me. I had Paula with me to keep me on the straight and narrow. Bummer……. 
BIZARRENESS
There is a bizarre factor going on here. This rating would have been much higher had I been there during Spring Break. A wild time with top-deficient girls dancing on the chairs and tables and all drinking Nipper Juice. Sorry I missed that. Maybe next year if Paula lets me go. |
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Baker Conch Tiki Bar
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LOCATION
Overlooking Baker Marina. Home of the rich and famous. Many billionaires. Unfortunately, when I was at the Tiki Bar there were no famous or rich people at the Tiki Bar. Only one old fat guy, me. I did find myself entertaining however. Huge fancy yachts were in the marina that would use our boat as a dingy. One yacht was owned by an NBA player with his own basketball court on board. Wow. So, why the low rating? Not impressed with overstated wealth. OK, OK, many of them just have a lot of money and cannot be accused of being overstated just stated. I spoke to the dock master about coming back in a month and docking in the marina for a few days. The following month the complete marina and facilities went private. Coincidence? I think not……. |
SERVICE
The bartender was a nice lady and treated me well, but she was not as entertained by me as I was and left me several times. I was not pampered to the level I want to become accustomed. |
BEER-O-METER
Cool beer but not cold. |
RUMBABBAS
Nothing unusual here. |
BIZARRENESS
Pompous is NOT bizarre. |
Grabbers
SCORE 4
Great Guana Cay
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed Spring 2014
LOCATION
Located on a small beach on Guana Cay not to far from Nippers. Although it is on a pretty beach in a pretty cove the Tiki Bar was too far from the water for my taste. This place is well thought of, but as a Tiki Bar goes it gets low marks. 
SERVICE
They did not pamper Scotty - need I say more. Actually, they did not know Paula and I existed. If I was to rate their Conch Bar on the Beach I would give that a 4 because they served fresh Conch delivered by boats as we sat there... but no alcohol. So it is disqualified to be a Tiki Bar. By the way, the fresh Conch Salad was outstanding. 
BEER-O-METER
Beer was cold and they had Miller Lite. But, at $7 a beer (Ouch) I can not go any higher than a one beer rating. This was the highest price beer that I remember from the Abacos. Key word is remember... 
RUMBABBAS
Daily specials but no standout cocktail here. 
BIZARRENESS
A little bit of a cool factor but no Bizareness. |
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Firefly
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LOCATION
Sits on a hill on Elbow Cay near Hope Town overlooking the water. A very nice view. It is not on a beach so I give it a 3. The Firefly is known for its food. I had a sheeps head fish taco for lunch and it was excellent. 
SERVICE
Fair typical Bahamian service but not Scotty pampered service. I give it a middle of the road 2 
BEER-O-METER
No Miller Lite, but the Sands Light was very cold. 
RUMBABBAS
They have many specialty drinks. I tried a few of them. Their number one special is the Fly Swatter. Very tasty and very potent! Add to this their famous Firefly labeled moonshine that comes in 6 different flavors and I give them a solid 4 Rumbabbas!!!! 
BIZARRENESS
Nothing Bizarre here. |
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Reef Bar & Grill
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LOCATION
In Hope Town on a hill overlooking a very pretty beach and ocean. 
SERVICE
Finally, a bartender that paid attention to me and pampered me. No, no cute hotty. The rating would have been a 5 if that were the case. Gary, the bartender, has a great personality and is a lot of fun. I heard about him from the other cruisers that said he was a "must see". He actually videoed Paula and I helping give the weather report and posted us on abacobuzz.com. We were celebrities for a day. My only regret is I did not get back to see Gary...Maybe next season! 
BEER-O-METER
$4 tap local beer but the beer was not ice cold. Paula and I had to move on to the fancy drinks. 
RUMBABBAS
Paula had the Baby Cuda with fruity stuff, vodka, and Rum. She had a big smile on her face. I had the Reef Wreck with apricot brandy, gold coconut rum, and fruit juice - excellent! We also sampled Gary's Goombay Smash and it was the best Goombay Smash I ever had in the Abacos. 
BIZARRENESS
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Pete's Pub
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Jib Room
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SERVICE
Always had good service. Owners seem to always be on site. 
BEER-O-METER
$5 cold beers. 
RUMBABBAS
They have a very tasty specialty drink. Frank gave it a thumbs up, But, then again Frank gives all drinks a thumbs up. 
BIZARRENESS
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Mangoes
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Snappas
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Curly Tails
SCORE 6
Marsh Harbor
Abaco Islands, Bahamas
Reviewed March 2014
LOCATION
Curly Tails Overlooks the Conch Inn Marina. Nice view of sunsets. It gets its name from all of the curly tail lizards in the area. I saw thousands over my time in Marsh Harbor. I met many interesting cruisers here and had numerous worldly discussions with them and the discussions only got better in direct proportion to the alcohol we consumed as the evenings moved on. 
SERVICE
I experienced poor service in the beginning. No pampering Scotty here. I was determined to turn that around and I worked on Gerda and she warmed up after great effort and took care of me. Actually remembered my name on future visits. However, I would hardly call it pampering. The bartender liked me and unfortunately I can not think of his name. This is the establishment that Frank and I discovered after Conchy Joes Shot Night (See Conchy Joes review for details). 
BEER-O-METER
$5 beers. Enough said. 
RUMBABBAS
Nothing unusual here. 
BIZARRENESS
Curly-tailed lizards in the Bahamas are not bizarre. |
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